No More Butterflies - Chapter Two

Several days later and Emma was beginning to feel sick. It was now the Saturday following her birthday and in the absence of any other more conventional gift it seemed inevitable now that her birthday present from Jack was indeed going to be the loss of her virginity.

He had everything arranged, his parents were away for the weekend so venue was not a problem. He had, apparently, finally secured the necessary provisions from the vending machine in the pub and he now eagerly awaited her arrival.

He knew she was nervous and had promised to be very gentle with her, the fact that all his friends were going to be waiting downstairs for news about the happy event obviously did not strike him as a problem.

For her part she was not quite sure which she was more frightened about, the event itself or the embarrassment of knowing that everybody knew and were probably going to be discussing it afterwards. Teenaged boys would after all be teenaged boys.

A more private affair would at least have allayed her embarrassment and she could have then concentrated solely on her fear of the event itself.

However, she was at least certain of one thing. She did want to lose her virginity with Jack. She was absolutely sure she was madly in love with him and there was no question in her mind that one day they would get married. It was the mechanics of actually making love mixed with the confusion and revulsion she was increasingly feeling at home, which she was very frightened about.

She had decided to try to separate her home life and everything else but that was far easier said than done, despite knowing logically that what Jack felt for her was normal and natural she couldn’t help the nagging self-doubts about her own normality which her mind refused to dismiss.

This coupled with the fact that her older sisters had repeatedly told her various horror stories of how painful “the first time” would be, as loving sisters do, only heightened her nervousness of what was about to happen.

It would be several years before Emma discovered why older sisters feel the need to instil fear into their younger siblings. A mixture of superiority and jealousy is a potent force.

Having tried on several outfits Emma finally settled on her favourite slightly battered old jeans, deciding that there was not much point getting dressed up as he was surely going to insist that she take everything off again when she got there. She could not even wear sexy underwear for him, as she hadn’t yet got any.

Her mother firmly believed in economy of use in all areas. This applied as equally to clothes as it did to food and electricity. Therefore the only variety of underwear to be had were whatever was necessary to protect her modesty. For this reason her underwear drawer in its entirety consisted of white cotton knickers, navy blue for school and white cotton vests. She did not yet possess a bra as she had so little to put in one it did not qualify as a necessary item of clothing.

“One day soon, I’ll have my own money.” Thought Emma as she pulled on a sweater over Jack’s ‘Mellencamp’ T-shirt which she had persuaded him to give her after he had grown tired of it. “Then I’ll be able to buy all the sexy underwear I want, necessary or not!”

With a last glance at her reflection in the mirror she threw her coat over her shoulder and headed out of the bedroom door and down the stairs.

“See you tomorrow.” She called as she made a quick dash for the back door hoping she’d be through it before one or other parent made it out of the living room to question her.

No such luck, one foot over the threshold and her mother’s voice said. “I hope you’re wrapped up warm, it’s bitterly cold outside.”

“Yes Mum.” The dutiful reply slipped across her tongue and trotted out of her mouth as mechanically as ever, although Emma did strive to keep her tone acceptable just in case other ears were listening.

“Are you sure it’s OK with Fiona’s Mum for you to stay there tonight?”

One huge advantage of going out with your best friend’s brother is not having to tell your parents whole lies, half lies are much easier to tell and usually much less damning if found out!

She was in fact staying at Fiona’s, no lie there. The fact that it was also Jack’s house and the ever so much more damning fact that their parents were away and therefore didn’t know Emma was staying was, quite obviously, a great big fat lie but it was not one Emma had any intention of owning up to.

“Yes Mum.”

“OK, we’ll see you tomorrow then, be good.”

“Bye Mum.”

As she set off down the road she wrapped her coat around her tightly, it really was cold tonight. Her mother would have killed her had she known she hadn’t got a vest on in this weather, mind you, she would have killed her if she had known what was about to happen, so what the hell, nobody could get killed twice!

It took about half an hour to walk to Jack’s house and by the time she arrived she was freezing. Jack wrapped both arms around her and began to squeeze the warmth back into her.

Eventually she was warm enough to take off her coat and as she looked up at Jack she saw a gleam in his eye that she had never noticed before. He was, quite obviously excited and very happy. If by allowing him to do this to her she was making him happy then, maybe it wasn’t such a bad thing after all, she decided hesitantly and who knew, maybe it would have the same effect on her too. Later on of course, after it was all over. It couldn’t be all bad surely? She began to feel a little sparkle of excitement herself, it was almost drowned out by the fear, but it was there nonetheless.

Taking her gently by the hand Jack led her slowly up the stairs to his bedroom. Emma wondered idly how he’d managed to get his mother to change the bed for the occasion, she was pretty sure he hadn’t done it for himself. Jack didn’t do things for himself.

It occurred to her sometime after he had told her to get undressed that his friends had not yet arrived, just for a moment she allowed herself to hope that perhaps they weren’t coming, and perhaps she wasn’t going to be discussed after all. She soon realised both scenarios were unlikely but a girl could only hope.

Moments later they were both naked in bed. He was touching her, it was not an unpleasant sensation. He was kissing her more forcefully than he had ever done before, she could feel her temperature rising, her heart rate quickening, but still she could not relax, she knew what was coming next and that was the bit she was scared of.

Suddenly he was on top of her and she braced herself for the inevitable. Wrapping her legs around his back she closed her eyes and decided that whatever happened she was not going to let him know how much it hurt, she was not going to make a sound.

Finally, after what seemed like hours of wriggling he decided he was in position and with one good thrust of his hips he entered her.

Where was the searing pain? Why didn’t it feel like she was being torn in two? Perhaps he wasn’t doing it right, perhaps she wasn’t normal, and perhaps her sisters had lied to her. Deciding that the latter was probably the truth she began to relax a little. It was actually quite a pleasant sensation. Jack, it seemed, was having a great time, he was breathing heavily whilst telling her between gasps, how wonderful she was.

Feeling she really ought to make some sort of contribution to the proceedings she began to move her hips to match his, a difficult task, as his movements were not exactly rhythmic. Within moments of her deciding to move he stopped, he didn’t move, he didn’t even breathe. She kept very still, watching him closely, she was just wondering whether maybe she shouldn’t have moved at all when he screwed up his face and gave a shudder as if someone had walked on his grave. She felt a faint flutter somewhere down in the pit of her stomach and then he collapsed on top of her panting heavily.

“See.” He gasped. “It wasn’t as bad as you expected was it?”

“No.” She admitted with much relief. “Is it finished?”

“Yes babe, I didn’t hurt you did I?”

“No, it didn’t hurt at all, in fact it was alright really.”

“Good!” He smiled. “Then we can do it all the time, can’t we.”

“Er...yes...If you like.” At this point a thought occurred to Emma. “By the way, I thought you bought some condoms, what happened to them?” She asked, suddenly realising she could now be pregnant.

“Oh, I decided not to use them, they’re horrible things, you’d have hated it, but don’t worry you won’t be pregnant or anything.” He said confidently.

“Are you sure? How do you know?”

“Trust me babe, would I do that to you? I love you.”

With that he kissed her on the nose, got out of bed and began to put his clothes back on.

“The lads will be here in a little while, you’d better get dressed, we could do it again later if you fancy it.” He said flashing a huge mischievous grin at her.

“OK.” Replied Emma perhaps a little less enthusiastically than could be expected from someone who was even contemplating doing it again.

And so Emma’s introduction to the world of sex ended. Whilst being at the same time relieved at the lack of pain the event had caused, she was really more confused than ever as to what her role in the proceedings could or indeed should have been. As she began pulling her clothes back on she vowed she would get revenge on both her sisters for frightening her unnecessarily like that.

Pondering on the subject of sex she decided that it hadn’t been an altogether unpleasant experience, it hadn’t been earth shattering either, in fact she was not really sure what all the fuss was about, and why people seemed to like it so much, nothing much really happened.

Although things did improve slightly after this first very nervous sexual encounter it was to be several years before Emma finally discovered why other people, particularly women, liked it so much. And many years later still before she realised the height of her own sexual abilities.

Read Chapter 3 from Monday 29th May

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